BEER AND CIGARETTES

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I was eight months pregnant with our daughter and I was miserable.  He was coming home after work every single goddamn day with a 12 pack of beer and a couple packs of cigarettes.  We wouldn’t have money for my prenatal vitamins though…Flintstone chewables would work just fine.  Hamburger Helper could be stretched into two meals and fried potatoes were cheap to cook too.  Day in and day out, he would walk in with that 12 pack.  My anger and hurt and hormones were brewing, steaming, boiling and that night, it all came out at him.  I was sick of living like this, sick of him getting to drink every single day while I’m taking care of a 15 month old and trying to clean the house while I’m big as a house.  I was tired of him not helping with our son, not helping with the house, and most of all, leaving his fucking beer cans all over the house for ME to clean up the next day.  I had had enough.  ENOUGH.

Mid-rant he jumped off the couch and was over to me in the rocking chair in a second.  He clamped his hand over my mouth and my nose and started yelling over and over to SHUT THE FUCK UP, JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU STUPID FAT BITCH..over and over he said it, never removing his hand, pushing his hand even harder over my mouth and nose.  I couldn’t breathe.  I was scared, terrified.  So I went limp and played dead.  Or played passed out.  He then removed his hand from my nose but kept it over my mouth and started threatening me that if he found out I was faking, he was going to toss me outside.  I had on a silk nightgown and it was the beginning of January.  I didn’t move a muscle.  I could feel his face an inch from mine, smelling that stale beer and a carton of cigarette smoke clinging to him.  I didn’t move a muscle.  He finally staggered back to our bedroom in the trailer and when I heard the snoring, I finally moved, and cried the rest of the night.  20 years old, with a baby and one on the way.  

The argument was never brought up.  The next day was the same as all the other days.  Beer and cigarettes.  Fried potatoes.  Hamburger Helper. 

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